A Pulse Without a Brain

My journeys to the 33rd street YMCA ended abruptly when I moved to 47th street as those extra few blocks to walk there majorly tipped the scales in the "go to the gym or not go to the gym" debate in favor of the latter. I mean really, who wants to exercise just to get to the gym?

So a little less than a year ago Paul and I joined Pulse Fitness on 48th street near the corner of 39th avenue. After an awkward sign up exchange where the man with no neck and the worlds smallest tank top told us they were having a limited time sale, but wouldn't tell us when it ended, we ultimately signed up.

On most days the gym is great. It is affordable, fairly kid free, equipment is new and plentiful, and despite the number of people who neglect to wipe the machines down after using them it is a great place to work out.

There are, however, drawbacks to Pulse:
1. Meathead Mondays. Every Monday night at around 9 PM or shortly thereafter a group of men and women who have to walk through the door sideways just to allow their shoulders to fit through, descend upon the gym. They cluster over a group of machines, and proceed to chat. Yes, chat. Occasionally one of them will lift up something, though usually it is a glass of smoothie, to their mouth. I have yet to figure out how they all got so buff doing so little, but all I know is that their presence usually cuts my workout short as I am too intimidated to ask them to stop lounging on the leg machine so that I can lift an embarrassingly small amount of weight.

2. Temperature Torture. Memorial Day weekend could not have come too soon this year, as this was the official "turn on the air conditioner" day at Pulse. Mind you we had several hot days prior to Memorial day. Days in which the gym was 85 degrees indoors, yet they refused to turn it on before the calendar struck the holiday weekend.

Now despite having the poster-child for global warming of winters thus far Pulse insists on putting the heat up to about 80 and placing every major piece of cardio equipment precisely in front of a heating vent. So by the time the treadmill hits 15 minutes, you feel like you have been in a microwave and should "stand, cover, and stir"

3. Overzealous Cleaning-man. As I mentioned, people are less than diligent about wiping down the machines when done. This has, in turn, caused the cleaning man to be overzealous in cleaning the machines, in that he can often be seen cleaning the machine that you are currently on. On many occasions I find myself near death running on the treadmill, counting the minutes or mileage until I can let myself stop. Then I realize that my lungs are not aching due to exertion, but due to the fact that the cleaning man is standing on the other side of my treadmill mopping the base with his bucket of pine scented bleach. He then proceeds to meticulous clean the one next to mine parking the bucket of dirty potent water and cleaning fluid just so that it can waft up my nose and make me nauseous.

4. Music Malcontent. Umm cha, umm cha, umm cha, umm cha. You know when that Hummer with tinted windows drives by with its stereo so loud that all you hear is a reverberating windows and feel the ground shaking? Imagine a bunch of treadmills and bikes in there instead of seats, and you'll have some idea of the soundtrack to Pulse!

Alas, Pulse fitness is worth the effort and money if you want to rid yourself of your inner or outer couch potato. Just bear in mind that you probably want to avoid Mondays, wear ultralight clothing, and perhaps bring a chemical gas mask along with your iPod.