Hello, Queens. Satan here. Just wanted to let you know that I've opened up shop in Long Island City. It's a little place I like to call 'Home Depot.' Now, recently I've heard some grumblings about my humble shoppe, and I'd like to address these concerns now before things get out of hand and result in say, an angry torch-bearing mob ready to destroy every thing in it's path. We wouldn't want that, now would we? So, to wit, I offer my apologies and resolve to fix the following as soon as I am able to get away from this puppy mill.
The parking lot. My minions somehow managed to make entering hell, er Home Depot, a bit tricky. I assure you that they DID NOT intentionally design the lanes to go from one to two lanes, make one of those lanes a turn-only lane and the other too short to make a safe turn from. Why one lane stops in the middle of oncoming flow of traffic? I couldn't tell you. It makes no sense to me either. But, rest assured, we're working on it.
We are also making every effort to rid the lot of all the large, graffiti-covered moving trucks. We would also like to apologize that these trucks make it impossible to turn into the parking aisles without being able to see oncoming traffic. We did NOT intentionally make every turn blind. It simply isn't true. We're not EVIL, here. For cryin' out loud, people. I was an Angel at One Time!
As for the shopping carts. Or,as Tiffany From The Gardens likes to say, fingers up and arching ironically, "Shopping Carts". Do you think we don't KNOW that there's not any shopping carts? We know this. Any idiot can see that there's no "Shopping Carts", Tiffany. Then, why, do you ask, do my minions send you out into the parking lot to look for a "Shopping Cart" when they know you will find none? THEY'RE MINIONS! THIS IS WHAT THEY DO! Hello! Futile Efforts While We Laugh Quietly????? We wrote that book, Tiffany.
Wait. I'm sorry. I mean, we're getting more shopping carts. We want you to shop. We want you to buy many large-ticket items. Yes. We are getting more shopping carts. Real shopping carts. Without the locked wheels. And, we're going to have people - very concerned people - to help you with these large things. And, we'll have them push the carts out to your car and we'll put them in the car and these 'people' will wave while you drive away...
Where was I?
Oh, my Minions. I mean Associates.
Did you ever think that maybe they only look and act like they're not concerned? C'mon, people. Sometimes there's such a thing as irony. All you assholes, gentrifying the neighborhood and you think you're the only ones with a sense of irony. For cryin' out loud. My associates have worked very hard on their sense of irony and if it manifests itself in seemingly passive-aggressive behavior peppered with the occasional outburst of profanity directed at NO ONE IN PARTICULAR, then I think you should work with them on that.
Oh, and we're firing all of them anyway and replacing them with gentle souls who know where everything is and will help you find it.
But, we will continue to test for drugs.
And, as for the item(s) that you cannot find on every trip? It's out of stock, dude. Get used to it.
Fuck all of you.
I mean, have a nice day. Please come back soon.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Hi, I'm Satan and This is My Home Depot
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7 comments:
that place is a blight.
But as a consolation to your misery you can buy carnival food from the sausage and pepper "structure" in front. Nothing says discount lumber like sausage and peppers!
I guess you don't know about the brand new Home Depot in East Elmhurst.. .saw it just before it opened last week but haven't been there to check it out since its opening. It can't possibly be as bad as the one on Northern. Can it?
I have *never* been to a store as bad as this Home Depot. I will never go back there again. I asked for a particular item, mosquito dunks, and after asking four people (none of whom spoke English) I found three people who didn't understand what it was. Finally, I went to the customer service, you know, where you special order things? They said "oh, we don't have that." I said... uh... "can you get it?" They said "you'll have to talk to the manager..." and then the manager told me he REFUSED to order it for me (the guy I talked to three minions ago) because they don't carry it. Circular logic, huh? "That's why it's called special order, right?" "Yes, but we don't carry it." "Home Depot doesn't carry it?" "You heard me." So I went back and googled it... and guess which site sold the most of them? Home Depot. I took it back to the manager and he said "This is a fake, you photoshopped it." Oh my dear LORD, what a rotten, rotten place. It's just terrific if you want to by LAWN TRACTORS FOR THE GIANT LAWNS IN WESTERN QUEENS! I can't say enough about how awful this place is.
Not to get too far outside the scope of this blog, but I'm wondering if our guest poster Satan might be able to let us know if he is just the franchise holder, or if he actually runs all Home Depots.
I would rather have to report for jury duty in Jamaica than go to Home Depot. But I usually spend our visits to any kind of hardware store, car parts store, things made of metal store sitting in the car with a book, or standing by the cash register with a book. These kinds of stores should have seating areas with complimentary fashion magazines and maybe even wine in a box for people like me who just want somebody else to do it.
(While I'm thinking of it--Wesley, I so appreciate you hanging all those pictures for me, I mean us, yesterday. But after sleeping on it I think they're all slightly off center. Let me know when the drill is charged and I'll walk you through it.)
I am having a level and a new, more powerful drill delivered as we speak from www.northerntool.com
Down With The Depot!
I was in there buying a drill not too long ago and they decided to change cashiers in the middle of a price lookup for the customer in front of me. It went so poorly that even the cashier had to exclaim "Jesus Christ!". Chalk one up for Satan.
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